What Am I Feeling?

It's only natural for people to ask me HOW I am feeling these days.  And it's only natural for me to typically say that I am feeling fine.  Because I am.  Physically, I feel pretty good.  But the other night, I was reading a blog and the writer mentioned that if you really want to know how someone in treatment is doing, ask them WHAT are they feeling.  That's not as easy to answer with a "fine." 

So what am I feeling these days?  Depends on the day.  Depends on the minute.  There are many moments that I catch myself tearing up.  Especially when I think about things that scare me the most.  Leaving my kids at such a young age, without a mother.  Passing this disease onto Harper.  More cancer now.  Or later.  Those thoughts just hit out of nowhere.  And they hit so hard.  But, I'm working hard.  So hard.  On changing my thought patterns and what I say aloud as well.  I'm actually having a hard time writing this post, because I keep having to stop myself from using words that I'm working on removing from my brain.    Those thoughts above, I hesitate to type.  I don't want to speak them too often or give them power.  When they do hit, I am quick to remind myself that I will be healed.  I will live a long healthy life and watch my children grow.  Lots of anti cancer talk.  I want to have a good attitude.  I want to be positive.  But the reality is that some of this journey will not be. 

What am I feeling?  Mostly anxious about waiting for more surgery.  Anxious that the lymph node will come back positive.  (But it won't. Right?)  It's hard being in between parts of treatment.  There's not much I can be doing at the moment, but re-orienting my thoughts and trying to exercise and spend as much time with my kids and my family as I can.  Anxious that my surgeon offered to also place my port during this next surgery.  Something about having more than one procedure at a time makes me nervous.  But it also seems like the most logical choice.  But I'm feeling scared. 

I am also feeling happy.  I enjoy my job.  And spending time with my own kiddos is always fun.  I explained to Jack tonight that Mommy has a wig appointment tomorrow.  (Image Recovery Center appointment, actually.)  He seemed a little concerned at first, but assured me it would grow back fast.  He's 7 and super intuitive, so I share bits and pieces of my treatment with him when the moment allows.  We had been talking about the possibility of him wearing a wig for Halloween. 

I'm also feeling triggered.  So much of this journey parallels our journey with Jack's early arrival.  From making choices about life-sustaining, but also toxic medications to making sure that family understands that they need to keep their distance if ill during my anti-cancer medication cycles.    Jack spent exactly 16 weeks in the NICU.  My anti-cancer cycles should take 16 weeks.  If he can do it, I can to.